Wounded, Not Lost: Why Some Mature Christians Walk Away from the Church
Suggestions for how to minister well to Mature Exiles
For several years now, I’ve wanted to write about ministering to a particular group of people who are often overlooked. But I confess that I’ve struggled to put together the words to articulate something coherent and compelling that I believe does justice to this group. I’ve started writing and stopped, started again, erased, and closed my computer in frustration more times than I can count. Truthfully, even as I’ve set out to write these words after waking up out of a dead sleep this morning, it has taken me nearly an hour to get to this point in this piece.
Much has been said about Christians who aren’t attending church in the United States. People have written, and spoken (even preached) extensively about the deconstruction movement—a sort of catch all term that means a hundred different things to a hundred different people (people within the church often think of it as some sort of nefarious plot to get people to deconvert while those who actually refer to themselves as having previously (or currently) deconstructed would say that there is more of a personal reformational quality to the painful process—a great unlearning and relearning of one’s faith (though, again, this is even painting with abroad brush).
We pastors often assume that Christians who aren’t in a local church are not fully devoted followers of Jesus. We think of nominal Christians who embrace this sort of “cultural Christianity” that is goes along with simply being an American. We think of habitual Christians whose habit of attending church broke during COVID-19 or because their kid is involved in a traveling hockey team, or something else. And, because of all of the talk about deconstruction, we also tend to lump this sort of nebulous group of people together who had a bad experience in church and have subsequently disengaged.
And while I have no desire to discount the nuances of other peoples’ experiences and genuine crises of faith—whether brought about by spiritual abuse and trauma, the failure of a spiritual leader, or something else—there is a particular group of people that is often overlooked in all of the assuming going on.
This group of people are mature Christians who are disengaged from church. They are orphaned believers (to use Sara Billups’ so named book) of sorts—people who have deep roots in the faith and who sincerely still hold on to their faith, but for whom finding a local church that is a trustworthy community to belong is a significant task. They were often your serve team leaders, deacons, and even pastors at their previous church. They were the most devoted. They were often theologically educated. They were the faithful givers. They were those who most hastily rushed out the door to be on time every Sunday only now to sit with a subtle pain in their heart as they think reflect on memories as the scent of their brewing morning coffee billows into the stillness of a household still sleeping because there is nowhere to be on Sunday.
We often assume these spiritual exiles don’t want to be in church. After all, “just get to church!” as any number of pithy Facebook posts remind us on Saturday. “Sunday morning church is a Saturday night decision!” But it’s just not that simple. When one has been deeply hurt or abused—and for many of these mature Christians this has come as a result of being in close proximity to everything going on in the church…a sort of ecclesial enmeshment, resulting—even the though of darkening the door of a church to visit can feel like a significant risk.
I’ve struggled to write these words because I’ve been on both sides of this group. I’ve been a pastor who has made well-meaning but woefully misguided assumptions about mature believers who have experienced significant pain in church settings. I’ve also been on the receiving end of significant spiritual abuse and dealt with what it means to walk through a healing process—still loving the local church but genuinely wondering whether if it is a love that is returned. I’m thankful we have found a church community that is authentic and trustworthy—but it took nearly two years before we felt like we could genuinely call a church “home” again.
I’ve also walked with a significant amount of people—many, but not all, fellow millennials. Many with theological degrees. Many former pastors and missionaries. Many with sophisticated and intentional approaches to disciple their children. Many who have carved out ways of functionally living out a sort of church community to supplement what was lost—a missional community, worship with family and friends on Sundays, deeply involving themselves in a Christian parachurch ministry, and more. For some, their departure was voluntary after misconduct or abuse by a leader. For others, their church took a hard political turn in a direction that seemed contradictory to the call of the church to worship Jesus. For others still, the decision was made for them because of a stand they took on injustice or oppression over the last eight years.
So What Do We Do?
I’ve wanted to make the case—and I hope I have—that we pastors need to consider the reality that:
Not all Christians disengaged from church in our cities are nominal, habitual, “backslidden.” Many are strong in their faith and are hurting;
We have both an obligation and an opportunity to be a place where mature exiles can find a home.
Number 2 requires that we fully wrap our minds around Number 1. And Number 2 also requires that we think very intentionally about what that looks like. While I’m sure people who read this will identify ministry practices and postures that I’ve overlooked, I want to offer several suggestions for how churches can minister to mature Christian exiles in your community:
Suggestion 1: Be a trustworthy Church
Obviously every pastor assumes that his or her church is a place where anyone can find healing and belonging. However, it is one thing to say “we’re a healing church” or a safe space for the broken, it is quite another to live into that reality.
Perhaps the most significant difference I have observed in trustworthy churches that are safe for mature exiles is that they proactively live into that reality. They are regularly assessing and reassessing what they do in light of prioritizing the well-being of the congregation. They take careful attention when they mess up and are quick to repent rather than excuse. When immorality or unethical behavior transpires, they are quick to exact justice for the victim rather than excuse the victimizer or cover up sin. Their policies and procedures reflect a desire for God’s shalom (i.e., wholeness) for both their staff as well as their congregation, rather than an unrestrained commitment to growth at all costs.
In other words, being a trustworthy church for mature exiles takes proactive commitment and intentionality, much the way empowering women and ethnic minorities in our churches does. It requires that we’re honest about our mistakes and work to correct them.
Suggestion 2: Livestream your Worship Services
This may seem like the oddball suggestion in the rest of the batch, but hear me out. COVID forced many churches to come into the twenty first century and begin streaming services. But now that the stay-at-home orders of 2020 and 2021 are a distant memory, some pastors are removing or significantly winding down live streaming options under the assumption that people are choosing online church over in-person church. But this is actually a myth. Instead, the overwhelming majority of people who are live streaming church services tend to fall into one of several categories:
They’re your most committed church members who are tuning in when they’re out of town, kids are on vacation, etc. Live-streaming actually provides these people a way to deepen their commitment to the church community, not an escape from it.
People who are geographically distant from your church (thus, unable to come in person) but who may live in a context where a local, healthy in-person church is not available.
(A small percentile) People who choose to live stream and have no intention of coming to an in-person service and who will simply choose another church livestream to watch if your church’s isn’t available anymore. (In other words, you’re not forcing anyone to come to your church!)
Wounded believers (including mature exiles), seekers, people who have just moved to the area, who want to scope you out before darkening the door of your building.
It is the fourth group who I’m obviously focused on for our purposes. For many of these people—especially if they are millennials or Gen Z—your streamed services, whether on your website or (preferably) your YouTube, give them a preview of what they might experience both aesthetically, the hospitality, and the preaching (for mature believers, vetting the preaching is more about whether you’re crazy more than it is how great of a speaker you are).
In my work as the lead researcher of the Digital Mission Consortia and in my work doing consultation for churches, I have come across more than a few stories of people with church hurt who cyberstalk a church’s services…sometimes for months…before they work up the courage to darken the door. And in several stories, wounded believers have actually driven and sat in the church parking lot to watch the livestream for more than a few weeks before mustering the courage to walk in. In literally every instance where that story has repeated itself, that person ends up (if already a believer) finding healing in the community or (if away from Christ) recommitting their live to Christ. I shutter at the thought of how these stories would’ve turned out had those pastors chose to remove their livestream because they thought it would turn up more people on Sunday.
Hear me on this: a healthy digital expression of church is better for a wounded believer than an unhealthy physical expression of church. It may be a hard truth pill to swallow, but it’s the truth. And it is not changing any time soon. The question is whether we will prioritize these digital inroads for people like mature exiles, in order that they may eventually find some healing in our communities.
Suggestion 3: Consider your Polity
Mature exiles can catch the scent of abusive leadership practices like a shark catching the scent of a drop of blood in the water. If your church has an authoritative governmental polity that gives plenary authority, with little checks and balances, to the senior pastor—you’ll lose them. If you force staff (and sometimes volunteers!) to sign non-disparagement agreements, legally binding them to silence, you can forget about reaching mature exiles—it just won’t happen. If your staff is overworked and underpaid under a heavy Theory X style of management, your mature exiles won’t so much as greet at the door, assuming they continue going to the church at all. Mature believers care about who can hold the pastor accountable more than they care about how great your production value is. They care about collaborative forms of leadership. They care about transparent leadership. They care about Jesus-shaped leadership.
Suggestion 4: Seek Justice
Millennials and Gen Z are already two of the most cause-oriented generations in human history. As many mature exiles I have encountered fit within these demographics, it follows that this is a necessary characteristic to consider. Even still, this is not an issue that falls squarely along generational lines. Mature exiles who are Baby Boomers and Gen X and have experienced injustice themselves are generally more attuned to and prioritize matters of social justice. We would do well to listen to them.
A necessary component to growing these two generations in the faith and engaging them in the local church is to develop a well-formed theology of justice, rooted in the mission of God, and activated through clear forms of justice-oriented work in which the local church is engaged. Boomers and Gen Xers tend to give first and serve later, Millennials and Gen Zers are the opposite—their giving follows being actively engaged in a cause they believe in. They want to know it personally…they want those causes vetted…and they want to feel like they can participate in the work.
For local forms of justice, mercy, and benevolence work, this includes a church forming strong partnerships with organizations who are doing good work in the community to right forms of inequality, minister to immigrants and refugees, help the under-resourced, and more. The partnerships need to be more deeply integrated into the lifeblood of your church than maybe what was the norm in the 90s and 00s. Mature exiles, generally speaking, want to be a part of a community doing something in the community, which necessarily includes linking arms with trustworthy organizations who also are doing something.
For international forms of justice (such as cross-cultural missions, mercy, and development work), mature exiles tend to desire to see a sophisticated form of missiological work, often in partnership with indigenous churches in the international location. Many would rather be a part of investing in partnerships with a local church in Kenya or El Salvador and breathe life into what they are doing (a “From all, to All” missiology) than the more traditional “From the West to the Rest” forms of missional engagement.
Suggestion 5: Assess how you Empower
Similar to the previous suggestion, how you empower people in your church speaks volumes to mature exiles. Specifically as it comes to how you empower women and ethnic minorities beyond who is on stage and the photos on your website. As I talk about in my book Your Daughters Shall Prophesy empowering people is more about who is shaping the vision of your church than it is the public image the church portrays. A church can be racially diverse without being racially empowering. A church can have a strong women’s ministry and still have a heavy patriarchal hand.
An easy way to assess your empowerment (and an assessment mature exiles are usually taking before they decide to show up) is to look at your church’s leadership page on your church website. Are all of the pastors guys while all of the women are directors and coordinators? This tells mature exiles your church doesn’t empower women. Are all of your staff white? Nearing retirement? You can see where I’m going with this.
Suggestion 6: Be a Church, not a Political Town Hall
A massive, massive red flag for mature exiles (which Billups addresses at length in Orphaned Believers) is how your church interacts with politics and symbols of national identity. Over and over again, as I’ve talked with mature believers they cite how they pass on churches because they had a Christian Nationalist vibe in their livestream, they see the sketchy political stuff the pastor shares on social, the church gives away AR-15s or dedicates services to American Civil Religion, etc. Mature exiles tend to be deeply concerned about finding a church which is faithful to Christ alone. In today’s political climate, when many well-meaning, though misguided, Christians are caught up in the culture wars, I cannot stress enough how significant this issue is for mature exiles. Be faithful to the King—and let your church be an outpost for the Kingdom instead of a temple to the Imperial Cult.
Suggestion 7: Be Trauma-Informed
If you are serious about ministering to mature exiles, seeking out ways to inform yourself on how to steward other people’s trauma is a significant demonstration of good intentions. Audit a counseling class to understand phenomena like PTSD, sexual trauma, and religious better…create partnerships with qualified and trusted mental health professionals to whom you can refer mature exiles who become a part of your church. I know of a couple churches who even budget to help subsidize the cost for professional therapy for people who have experienced spiritual abuse. By familiarizing yourself with the problems, you can better position yourself and your church to be a healing presence.
Suggestion 8: Be Patient
When mature exiles decide to commit to a new church, they need a tremendous amount of patience as they build trust. Be patient when they seem slow to get involved. Be patient when they are triggered by something seemingly odd. Be patient with their pain, even when it is unfairly directed at you. Be patient in the healing process and encourage them, but don’t pressure them (especially with stuff about their involvement in the church being a reflection of their devotion to God). Be patient with their doubting and lack of trust. Be a faithful, non-anxious presence in peoples’ lives and allow them to grow in their level of commitment over time.
Suggestion 9: Don’t “Pipeline” and “Funnel”
Mature exiles are likely the ones that helped build or facilitate the new believers and new members pipelines and funnels in their previous church. They tend to prefer being able to move outside of “the system” because the system feels like a constraint. This isn’t hidden pride surfacing, it’s hidden pain surfacing. Mature exiles have an aversion to feeling “handled” by church leadership and are often resistant to things that make them feel like they are handing over autonomy.
Now, hear me. I’m not saying having involvement pipelines and funnel-like strategies for how to integrate people are bad. Not at all! I’m actually a very big fan of these sorts of intentional strategies to ensuring people have all the information they need and are connected into the lifeblood of the community. But mature exiles need the option to exist outside of that or engage in it on their terms. For my systems-oriented friends, if it helps you—consider strategizing an “un-pipeline” specifically for mature exiles.
Suggestion 10: Be Collaborative
Because much church abuse and hurt comes from authoritarian, “my way or the highway” forms of leadership, mature exiles tend to be much more participatory and collaborative. This is why they often find new homes in places like missional communities or even smaller mainline churches wherein things like committees give laity a voice and tend to be more participatory (even despite the more formalized clergy structures). Many people thing that collaborative leadership is antithetical to church growth, but that’s nonsense. I know of many large churches led by great pastors who are highly collaborative—seeking input from multiple areas of the church community—and even using that input to form the basis of the church’s vision and direction. Mature exiles do not want to forfeit their voice (nor should they). So they desire forms of leadership where their voice can be heard when they are ready to speak up.
Suggestion 11: Let your Missiology Guide your Ecclesiology
Many of these suggestions may confront deeply entrenched patterns of the status quo for many church leaders. In the back of my head I can hear rebuttals to many of these… “Well the reason we do this is…” or “That’s silly because…” But I would challenge you with this. Let your missiology guide your ecclesiology (h/t to Ed Stetzer who popularized this statement). When our ecclesiology (our way of doing church) is prioritized over our missiology (our desire to reach people), dysfunction, stagnation, and legalism inevitably follows. Conversely, when our desire to reach people drives how we do church, we rightly align our community with the heart of God—a God whose very heart is missional.
The missiology of our churches should demonstrate that we not only serve a God who desires to heal the brokenhearted, but that we believe that so much we work hard to live out that reality incarnationally together as his people. How we live together is a louder sermon about what we believe about life in Jesus than any sermon we could ever preach. And for mature exiles—they are watching…searching for good incarnational sermons preached by communities of people who might be a safe, life-giving place they can resettle and find healing.